Solutions:
by parents for parents

As parents, there is increasing concern over our children’s safety and time spent on the Internet, but rather than just focussing on the problem, what are the solutions?

How can you, as parents and carers, successfully help your child to thrive in the digital age? Where does the correct balance lie between giving your child freedom on the internet and putting controls in place to keep them safe on social media?

As parents and carers, you need to look to your solutions; where do your family boundaries lie, and how do you use devices in your homes? How can you as a community of parents work together to set positive boundaries and solutions for your children and how can you foster a mindset in our children that uses the internet wisely and respectfully?

No one wants their child to be left out, and as parents, we all know the emotional tsunami that our children torment us with if they want something, especially if their friends already have it.  In a world where 90% of 11 yrs olds (Ofcom 2023) have a smartphone, you can feel trapped. But imagine if, as communities of parents you worked together to implement change that could help your child make good positive choices whilst also keeping them safe?

In all of this, we aim to help children to be digitally astute, equipping them to make informed positive choices about how much time they spend on their phones, what they post and what access others can have to their online self.

PAPAYA has tried to collate some up to date helpful top tips on online safety and some more practical solutions to help you navigate your way through. On this journey, we would encourage you to talk as a family and canvas your community to develop a collective plan.

BASIC PHONES
(phones with no internet access)  

Even in today’s technological age, phones without the internet do exist!

Basic phones do have a practical purpose, and they are a potentially viable option for your child. If your child needs a phone to text and call you and their friends, this is the simplest solution. The main advantage is that without your consent, children can’t download apps, access harmful content online or Snapchat friends in the middle of the night. You are saving yourself endless “discussions” about which apps they can/ can’t have and the disappointment of finding out they have downloaded them anyway without your consent. However, it’s not the most popular choice and is probably more suitable for younger adolescents. However, if you can buy some time with a basic phone, your child will be growing in maturity and interpersonal skills during this season and hopefully ready to handle a smartphone well when the time comes.

One option is the Nokia 3310, or you can turn any smartphone into a basic phone by turning the internet access off.
Most basic phones retail at around £50 for a phone only deal.
For an up to date article (April 2019) on your top basis phone choices, read here: https://www.techadvisor.co.uk/feature/mobile-phone/best-basic-phones-3641218

SMARTPHONES
(phones with internet access)

Smartphones are by far the most popular choice for today’s youth.

83 % of 12-15 years olds owning a smartphone (Ofcom 2017), and the number is rising all the time. This seems to be driven by the availability of old handsets, pressure from children, and the practical advantages they bring.

However, there are things to consider. With a smartphone (with no restrictions), a child can access any part of the internet at any time. There is growing evidence this is leading to young people accessing harmful content online, including pornography and losing sleep to read or send late-night texts. However hard you try, it is tough to control and monitor what children get up to on their smartphones. This can become a source of family tension. They can send secret messages via ‘notes’ and access apps through pop-ups. They can be a constant source of distraction and source of potential conflict over apps and time spent online. Children are very astute at bypassing parental controls, and the very apps they use have been designed to be highly addictive.

However, this doesn’t mean a smartphone isn’t a good choice, but we would recommend considering some safety nets to allow your child to access the best of the internet without all the bad bits.

Choices of phone: iPhone vs android 

This comes down to price, personal choice and what you want the phone to be able to do. However, rather than promoting a particular product, we would just encourage you to see which phone allows your child to use it safely. Read the  sections below, and then think carefully about how much control you want over your child’s phone and which product will enable you to do that. IOS 12 offers significant advantages over older apple products, and this is worth considering if you want to monitor screen time and block adult content. For a good article on top smartphones for children, read here: https://www.techadvisor.co.uk/test-centre/mobile-phone/best-kids-phones-3647555/

Advice on apps and staying safe on social media

Whether your child has the latest iPhone or no phone at all (but some access to the internet through an iPad or computer), it is the apps we need to think most carefully about.

Some of the best brains in silicon valley have crafted these apps to increase their persuasive technology and keep young people hooked. Whether it is streaks on snap chat, likes on Facebook or autoplay on Youtube, these apps have been designed to increase their persuasive technology.

Use our Parent App Guides for quick tips on making these apps safer and less addictive for young people.

GENERAL ADVICE

The first thing to consider is the age limit for apps; most are 13 with parental consent.

One way to try and delay the onslaught of social media is to, as a minimum, hold off until the minimum age of the app. However, the age limits are very lenient when considering the access to strangers, inappropriate content, and influencers that they bring right into your child’s eye line.  If your child wants to download an app, we would encourage you to spend time reading the guidelines to understand what access the app gives other people to them and what safety measures need to be put in place first. By changing privacy settings, you can considerably improve the safety of many apps. However, this does not reduce their addictive lure and impact on well being and self-esteem, although ensuring your child has time limits for social media apps may help with this. 

PARENTS GUIDES: QUICK TIPS TO MAKE SOCIAL MEDIA SAFE

FAMILY MEDIA CONTRACTS

Family media contracts are traditionally lengthy lists of do’s and don’ts that parents negotiate with their children before getting a smartphone. However, behind every contract needs to be conversation, trust, and relationship. We believe that having an open communication channel is the most important thing to have in place at whatever point you are on the tech journey. If you are delaying buying a smartphone, this is a perfect time to discuss why and get your child on board. If, on the other hand, your child has a phone and you are trying to reign it in slightly, talking about everyone’s tech use as a family is a great place to start. The conclusion which you are trying to reach is a shared agreement on some set family values.

If you need some inspiration as to why everyone in the family may need to engage with this; watch the two videos below:

SOME IDEAS OF QUESTIONS TO DISCUSS 

• How do we, as a family, want to communicate?

• What do we value most about our family?

• What do you/ don’t you like about our families use of technology?

• What do we / don’t we like about social media?

• What are our BIG NO’s and why?

• What compromises can we all agree to?

• What will the consequence be if we push the boundaries?

  The most effective consequences for learning and behaviour modification are “natural consequences,” e.g. ones that are linked to undesirable behaviour. Therefore, some loss of phone privileges (e.g. either phone taken away for x period, less time on social media, or no gaming for x time ) is a HIGHLY effective way of modulating behaviour. It is NOT popular but maybe the only way to make sure the contract is honoured. However angry you are when the rules are broken, research shows the consequence is more effective if you can show empathy at the time “ I’m so sorry ….”

• How much screen time is reasonable? In the week? At weekends?

• Are phones in bedrooms a good idea? What should our family decision be?

  If you prefer something formal, here is a comprehensive template:

PARENT CONTROL APPS

When looking at some of the technological solutions available, the first issue is one of TRUST vs CONTROL.

Where do you individually lie on the spectrum of trusting your child vs putting boundaries in place (controls) to keep them safe? However, most parents want their child to be safe online but are we prepared to compromise trusting them to achieve it? There is a difficult balance between trusting your child with unmonitored access to the internet and putting more boundaries in place to keep them safe (children are often innocent victims online of harmful content sent to them rather than actively going to look for it). It is worth considering that even sensible and trustworthy children can still be inadvertently drawn into all sorts of mishaps through links from friends, adults posing as children, seemingly innocent searches on google, and  algorithms on Instagram. Because the internet houses such a vast amount of material, the benign to incredibly graphic putting basic filters on your child’s phone may be a sensible first step. This doesn’t interfere with their freedom. It is more like insisting children wear a seat belt in a car.

There are two essential points when thinking about parent control apps:

1) There is a fine line between monitoring  and spying

If using parental control, we would always recommend telling your children exactly what you can see. For instance, making it clear that you will be able to see time spent on an app and websites visited but not the content. There are stories of parents downloading monitoring apps without their children knowing, which at the very least puts you in a very tricky situation if you then find something you wish you hadn’t.

2) No parental control app is perfect

Parental control apps have a role in helping your child stay safe online, but they are not watertight, and they will not solve the problem on their own!  It’s important not just to sit back and think your child is safe as there are multiple easy ways to bypass parental controls.  Besides exploiting holes in an internet filter, teens can also find out a website’s IP (Internet Protocol) address (a string of numbers that identify the site to other computers), and they can use that instead of the website’s name to gain access. Alternatively, children can go to a proxy website, which is a web page within a web page that can hide the IP address, to surf the web anonymously. Teens are increasingly tech-literate, and many can perform a deceptive operation like this with ease. Teens can also use private browsing mode, which simply bypasses many parent control apps and filters with one click and no cookies or search history.

A guide to parent control guides

There are hundreds of ways to monitor your child’s use of the Internet, and there are quite a few guides and opinions as to the best way to do it.

You first need to consider which devices you want to protect as certain products work on different devices. Most parental control software doesn’t work fully on an iPhone because certain features have been disabled by Apple ( although this may soon change). 

The second is to consider which features are important to you:

✓Monitoring screen time spent on social media (as well as just total screen time)

 This is available on some but not all parent control guides, and we would consider this one of the most important features in the battle with phone addiction. It allows you to set limits on how much time your child spends on social media and will deny access once their time is up 

-IOS 12 offers reasonable screen time limits for individual apps, but children are getting around them

-Qustodio ( for android ) offers screen time limits for social media apps 

✓Filtering adult content and blocking sites

This is an essential feature as it helps protect your child from accidentally viewing adult content or successfully proactively searching for it. There are ways around the filters, but it is a good starting place, and it is important to note your child is only as safe as the nearest unprotected device. You can also block specific sites specifically which you don’t want your child to access.

✓ MUST work in private browser or incognito mode

Parents read carefully. Little known to many parents is that both android and apple browsers allow you to search in “private browser“ mode at the click of a button. Private browser or incognito mode was designed to be safer on shared computers as there is no tracking, filters are disabled, cookies don’t work, and there is no search history. Unless private browser mode is disabled or the product you buy can overcome this (most can’t) your child is ONE CLICK away from accessing whatever they want with no record, no cookies, no filters and no search history.

It is possible to TURN off private browser mode on an iPhone (see iPhone link)

Qustodio ALSO works in private browser mode

✓Parental insight

This is where the grey area begins. Some parent control apps allow you to know which websites have been visited and who your child has messaged (although google has recently disabled this feature on many apps). Others go further and allow you to see all the content of the messages sent by your child. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as your child is aware. However, most teenagers do need, and deserve privacy; otherwise, they will develop other ways to achieve it. I’m not sure I would have wanted my parents to have direct access to my personal diary but probably wouldn’t have minded them knowing which dates I wrote in it and for how long. Other parental control apps use artificial intelligence to monitor your child online and send you an alert if something worrying is triggered.

For a general guide on parent control apps go to https://bestcellphonespyapps.com/parental-controls-for-smartphones-and-the-internet/

The best parental control app will depend on what type of phone your child has:

iPhone

IOS 13 

If your child has a newer model iPhone with IOS 13 software, the simplest way to restrict their phone use is to use the inbuilt software. This can control screen time, block adults content, limit or block access to games and restrict internet searching. You can set time limits for different apps and schedule downtime. It is all controlled by a parent password. It is possible to turn private browsing OFF an iPhone and lock it with a password, so IOS 12 does get around the problem of private browsing. However, children can get around it, especially the screen time limits, by deleting and re-downloading the desired app and resetting the clock.

ADVANTAGES 

• Best for iPhones

• Allows you to set total screen time

• Allows you to set LIMITS for individual apps

• Allows you to block apps

• Allows you to atop PRIVATE browsing

• Allows you to filter for adult content

• Allows you to set downtime

• GPS location

• FREE

Parent control apps on android phones

There are dozens of parental control apps for android phones. Please follow the quick guides below to help you choose the best one for your needs.

How to re-balance with tech

ARE YOU Worried THAT you/or your child use(s) your/their phone or game too much?

Read our PAPAYA top tips to help you get the right balance.

Smartphones and addiction 

Dopamine is a chemical in the brain that makes you feel GOOD. It is released in anticipation of a reward - like the build-up and excitement before you go on holiday- it’s that feel-good buzzy feeling before something good happening. Our brains are flooded by dopamine as we subconsciously ANTICIPATE REWARD (a nice comment on our photo, a message from a friend or achieving the next level on a game). Social media and gaming sites have been specifically designed to use these so-called  “variable reward schedules” to make our brain release more dopamine (making us feel good) and thereby making them more ADDICTIVE as we crave more dopamine.

Tech companies like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and google are all caught in a competition for our attention (humanetech.com). They need our attention to make money, and the more, the better. The more we scroll, the more they make, the more we click, the more income they generate.

Tech companies are employing the best psychologists in Silicon valley to increase the persuasive technology of their apps and to keep us glued to them - whether its scroll downs, auto-plays on YouTube, notifications, or streaks on Snapchat - they are actively learning how to hook us in more and more deeply.

These are not neutral products - they are designed to be addictive and rob us of our time and attention.

"You're always looking at how it can be used in a great way — homework and staying in touch with friends — and also where it has gotten to excess," Bill Gates told the Mirror in April 2017.

Each of Gates' three kids — ages 15, 18, and 21 — has grown up in a home that forbade cell phones until age 14, banned cell phone use at the dinner table, and set limits on how close to bedtime kids could use their phones.”

QUESTIONS TO DISCUSS

• How do you feel knowing tech companies are making money from your use of social media?

• Do you mind?

• What do you think about tech companies making their apps  specifically more addictive for young people?

• How do you react to the fact that Bill Gates sends his children to a tech-free school and limits their tech use?

• Do you think tech companies have a duty of care towards young people?

Ask the question: “How would you feel if you were unexpectedly separated from your phone for more than an hour?”

There is no right wrong /answer. However, if you feel worried, agitated and anxious without your phone, it could be a sign that you may be overly reliant on it.

HOW MUCH TIME DOES YOU / YOUR CHILD SPEND ON YOUR PHONE?

Try to ascertain how much TIME your child is spending online and how much this equates to over a lifetime.

• How much time do you spend on your phone/gaming:

• On an average day?_____________

• How much is this per week?____________

• Per year?____________

• Over 70 years?__________

HOW TO RE RE-BALANCE WITH TECH

To try and re-balance with tech it’s important to try and make our phones a little bit less alluring and attractive.

• Try a flip cover.
  This dumbs down your phone (making you less likely to check ii) and prevents breakages!

• Greyscale your phone.
  Grey scaling your phone also makes it less attractive to look at, meaning you are less likely to check it and spend time on it.

• Turn off notifications/ use do not disturb mode.
  To reduce the amount of noise your phone makes, its easy to turn off notifications for apps/ emails ( this put you back in control as you can check them WHEN you want). You can also enable the do not disturb mode if you do not want any incoming calls/ texts (you can allow specific numbers through so your no cut off completely). 

• Delete/ hide apps.
  By taking apps out of your sightline, you are less likely to use and check them. You can move apps by pressing on the app and sliding into a new folder or off your home page. To delete an app, simply press on it until the cross comes up and then press on the cross.

• Set your self time-limits.
  Both newer iPhones and androids have a built-in programme to help you set screen time, or you can do this as part of parental control soft wear. It’s a great way to prevent unlimited use.

• Try the FORREST app when working.
  This is a handy little app that rewards you for not checking your phone with coins that go towards planting real trees. 

• Consider leaving it downstairs at night.
  There is a consensus that screens within an hour of bedtime can disrupt sleep. Expert advice is not to use screens an hour before bed and ideally leave them downstairs at bedtime. This one step can probably make the most significant difference to reducing phone addiction and improving their sleep and well being.

COMMUNITY SOLUTIONS

At PAPAYA, we want to encourage parents to find solutions TOGETHER. It can be a lonely place trying to navigate the digital world on our own, and children have very strong opinions on the matter.

However, we have seen parents coming together to set boundaries in place that are much easier to implement if you’re not alone.

✓ Discuss with your children friends parents phone options. If you're going down the basic phone root, try to find others who will do the same.

✓ Talk to other parents about what apps their children are allowed and consider as a group trying to limit social media. Consider setting an anonymous survey so parents can find out what everyone else is doing and then feedback to the year group.

✓ Put some communal boundaries around gaming, e.g., time limits or weekends only

✓ Talk to your school about their phone rules. Try to petition your school to become a phone-free school.

✓ Invite PAPAYA to run a workshop for you